if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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