I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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