The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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