the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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