I am in a vortex of obligation.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
