how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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