The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
