Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
