woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
