erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
