I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
