I think I died a long time ago.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
