The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
