Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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