i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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