I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
