Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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