You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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