I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
