The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
