i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
