i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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