but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
