I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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