Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So many bounce houses so little time
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
