woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
