Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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