If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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