He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
