Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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