If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
