I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
