Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
