Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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