did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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