I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
