The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
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Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
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That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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