I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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