sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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