What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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