So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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