I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
