Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
