So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
