let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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