So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Randomize
