Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
