At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
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dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
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You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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