So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
