I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just cropdusted the office
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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