I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
