my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
